Ok,  I just went back to read the "what I'm craving" post and It made me sick. How could I ever want to eat all that? Gross. I'm on day three of this neg cal diet thing. Today I had about 2/3 of neg cal stuff and then the other 1/3 was pure self destruction. Only about 600 cals worth including the neg cal stuff. I'm not worried. I definitely should have gone to the gym though today. I'm sorry I bitched out on that. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my mother. This is sure to lead to food disaster. We'll probably go to a mall. Malls are filled with food. Luckily, malls are also filled with fattys so I think I should be ok. I want to weigh myself SO BAD. I really should wait until Monday morning, or if I'm really concerned, next saturday. I keep changing my mind. I know that if I weigh on Monday and I've barely accomplished anything that the whole week is going to be ruined. I also am not sure if i can wait until next satruday to weigh. I would be forever for me. The other thing too is what if I weigh in on saturday and I haven't lost anything? I would throw the biggest shit fit EVER. I would completely Freak Out. If I keep with the neg cal stuff and keep working out, I have to lose. I have to be 110. No "almosts" this time.

This is what I'm craving right now:

Sushi, Pizza with spicy bbq sauce and chicken, Buffalo wings, Mushroom swiss burger, Pnutbutter chocolates, Chicken tacos, Cookies and cream ice cream, BBQ chips, Pizza rolls, Popcorn, Chinese, Thai, Baked Ziti, Cheesy bread, Chocolate milk shake, The bbq chicken supermelt from Friendly's, Nachos, Martinis, Blueberry Waffles, Everything bagel with egg swiss and bacon, Glazed donuts, Peach pie, Stuffed peppers, Meatloaf, MACARONI AND CHEESE, Philly cheesesteak, Meatball sub, French fries, and Shrimp with cocktail sauce.

All of that, its gross. This is depressing, I'm going to take a nap.

I never really like to post to a journal where not many people, or the wrong kind of people, will read. I'm here for support for my eating disorder. Not support to get better, support through my stuggles to be thinner. Support on a bad day and other days when I have friends who will celebrate with me when the day goes well. I'm here to support as well. Here to listen, to give advice when it's asked for, and just to be a friend for those who are in need as I am. I feel more at home talking to people who suffer from this same life draining disease. Those who love/hate it but can't give it up for the fear of seeing that little needle on the scale go higher and higher. I'm here for you as much I need someone there for me. Two heads are always better than one and even more go further.